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Kerry's Fail-Safe
09.26.04 (8:28 pm)   [edit]

Every single political pundit today said the same thing everyone's been saying for the last six months:  The election is all going to come down to the debates.  Well no shit, Sherlocks.  If Kerry knocks it out of the park on Thursday, watch the polls turn.  If he doesn't, then, as Dandy Don might have sung to us on Monday Night Football, turn out the lights, the party's over. 


Now, I know that there's been some contention in the Kerry camp, and the Cahill/Shrum crowd is gving way to the Clinton folks.  That's a good start.  But all the Carville/Begala magic running through Clinton's clogged arteries won't pull Kerry out of this quagmire if he screws up Thursday night.


Unless, he does this:


 


Hold on, just hear me out.  Rappin' Kerry just might be the answer.  Think about it:  The beef with Kerry is that he's longwinded and unclear in his answers.  If he just starts rapping, no more Kerryisms.  And to the minorities who don't trust Kerry, well, he's not Clinton, but goddammit he's trying to identify with the Black Community, and that's a hell of a lot more than Gore can say.  Plus, this is the only way the winner of the VH-1 Bling-Off can credibly cast himself as populist--which Gore could never do. 


I mean, the more I think about this, the more I think it's the only way Kerry can pull this thing out.  Imagine it, Kerry just snaps, goes into Florida neighborhoods where black people were prevented from voting, like when Bulworth went to the South Central LA church.  "Senator Kerry, are you telling us that the Democratic Party doesn't care about whether black people get to vote or not?"  "Well, isn't it obvious?!  Only one senator had to sign that resolution, and you didn't see me jumping on board."


Kerry walks out from behind the podium:  "Damn that felt good," while Shrum and Cahill start snorting White-Out.  Kerry's buys The Straight Talk Express from John McCain.  Debate #2, Kerry shows up with flask:  "Republicans, Democrats...it's all a club, so...let's have a drink!"  Kerry steps across the stage to offer W. a swig, sees the smirk, and says, "Oh c'mon George, you've had more snow on your face than when I bit it last month snowboarding at Teresa's Aspen lodge."  And then Kerry offers W. the Skull and Bones handshake in clear view of the camera:  "C'mon George, give me some of that Yale love.  Nobody really buys this Marlboro Man bullshit anymore.  C'mon...or I'll start telling 'George was a cheeleader' stories."


And for the rest of the campaign, Kerry does nothing but rap about power and politics.  He goes the full Bulworth.  About Halliburton, Insurance Companies, Pharmecuetical Manufacturers, Race Exploitation, Tax Cuts for the Wealthy...the whole bit.  He wins the Democratic base back.  He wins the Nader vote.  Libertarian and Moderate Republicans.  All but the hardcore Christian vote goes to Kerry.  The polls show him down only in Alabama, Georgia, and Mississippi.  Kerry dumps Teresa for Halle Berry.  Kerry sw eeps the South. 


John F. Kerry?  I say Jay Billington Kerry.  If he screws up Thursday night, it's the only rational decision the campaign can make.


-----shimes  

 
Big Pussies Who Like Ike
09.20.04 (6:16 am)   [edit]
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A3017 2-2004Aug24.html" title="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A3017 2-2004Aug24.html" target="_blank"http://www.washingtonpost.com...


The first national vote I ever cast was in 1994, when I voted for Ike Skelton. He is the congressman representing my old hometown, Clinton, MO. He represented a Democratic Party that was tough, that didn't take one ounce of shit from those fear-mongerers from the other side because he actually worked to support our military...in the right way. New, workable technology, not science fiction. Investment in the human capital of the military. We've got two major bases in the 4th District. Lots of my friends and family joined the military coming out of high school because it was honorable, yes, but it was also a road to a better life if you were willing to make the sacrifice. Ike was one of the guys who helped make it that way after Vietnam. Thanks to Bush's exploitation of the military, he's going to tear all that down in the space of one presidency.


Now, Ike still represents that Democratic Party. The problem is that he's a dinosaur. He doesn't quite fit. These people Ike talks to in the article are my friends and family. Back in the day, there weren't even Republicans *on the ballot* in Henry County, where I'm from. I don't think that's a good thing (some political opposition would have helped hold some things in check, competition is good, right?), but it was a time when Democrats could stand proud and tall in rural Missouri. They fought for farmers, for Civil Rights, for the idea that people should be judged on their merits, not their pocketbook or their birthright. They were strong enough to acknowledge the wrongs of our past, and that we obliged to make good on them. Rural Democrats were *tough*--they kicked ass. The Republicans were the elitists! They were self-interested and greedy!


And now, we've let the Republican Party convince the rural voters that Democrats are a bunch of pussies. It's no more, and no less. Let's look at Ike's district as an example, since I know it intimately. People here are very unhappy with the war. They'll even say "I support the war" and have serious misgivings about it. (That's part of the reason those polls come out the way they do.) They think it's a mistake. But look at why they support the President: "Saddam's a Hitler," they say.


The Republican propaganda machine worked. The He's a Hitler argument was ridiculous before the war (did we not box him in during the Gulf War?), and it's even more ridiculous in hindsight. But remember that memo where Karl Rove urged Republicans to "Run on the War"? They wagged the dog. They convinced the country that Clinton was wagging the dog (even though, as it turns out, he authorized the use of military force to fight a war that even al-Qaeda was involved in), and now they flipped it around. They have succeeded in convincing rural Missouri, and rural America, that Democrats who choose not to go to war are big, fat pussies. No more, no less. The evidence is in Ike Skelton's 4th district.


I know this has been said other places, but it bears repeating. This election is about Vietnam. Not Bush and Kerry, but the hippies versus the fifties. The war America has never really gotten over is the culture war, not the military one (thanks to men like Ike Skelton, Democrat from rural Missouri, who fought to rebuild America's military after the Vietnam debacle). The unwashed, bra-burning hippies versus the conservative values wrought by White Flight and the suburban explosion. Men of privilege like George Bush, Dick Cheney, Howard Dean, Bill Clinton (who at that point was out of Arkansas), opposed the war, but chose to evade it. They evaded it, and I don't blame them for it. I'm not sure I would have done anything different.


But then there's John Kerry, who voluteered to fight in that war (true, he signed up for swift boat duty *before* they were put in harm's way), came back, protested it, and joined the chorus of voices that helped end it. Say what you will about Cambodia or Swift Boat Veterans or whatever, but this is a guy who saw the shit, came back, and built a career as a tough-leftist Democrat in Washington.


John Kerry doesn't talk much about his Senate record, but he should. He voted with Clinton during the nineties (remember those good times?). He was a lead prosecutor of Iran Contra. He was a lead prosecutor against BCCI, the international financial conglomerate that funneled money from Saudi Wahabbis to Afghan-Arabs. He helped close the diplomatic wound between the US and Vietnam. John Kerry is a tough Democrat.


It's not that Bush and Cheney, or even Dean or Clinton, didn't fight in the war--they didn't fight at all. Vietnam is one of those rare wars ended not with victory or defeat, but under popular pressure for the government to relent. There was a fight abroad *and* at home, and those fighters at home eventually helped convince the government that it was time to pull out. No less than Robert McNamara acknowledges that in The Fog of War.


But those men chose no sides. They didn't believe in the war, and yet they did nothing to try to end it. Silence is compliance, my friends, and Dick Cheney's "other priorities" may have rightfully kept him out of Vietnam, but did he have the courage of those who marched and protested against this folly? Did they not have the courage to engage the fight? No, they did not. But what of say, Howard Dean, who vigorously opposed the folly of Iraq II at a time when Democrats were afraid to? He fought in the way he could, and for that, he's earned my respect.


But now, by wagging the dog, by weaving the fringe culture and the mainstream Democratic Party together in the mind of the rural voter, the Bush-Cheney machine has managed to convince once proud rural Democrats that the party they once believed in, the one they once fought for, is the party of Dirty Hippies. And in so doing, they've managed to crucify John Kerry--a man who fought that war twice when other elite wouldn't fight it at all.


What's worse is that once this sale was made, that opened the floodgates. Now Republicans have convinced rural voters that trickle-down economics is good for them, that health care savings accounts make sense for people who can barely make their house payments, that opposing the assault weapons ban is the same thing has confiscating your hunting rifle, and that gay people are the cause of America's downward cultural spiral.


I say congratulations to them. You've won. I hope you're proud of yourselves. You've dismantled the once proud Democratic tradition in the rural Midwest. All those things rural Democrats fought for, torn down in the space of Ralph Reed's construction of the Christian Coalition. Well, I hope you're proud of the exploitation, and to be honest, we haven't really fought hard enough, explained things well enough, to really make the case to them. Clinton could because he was one of them. But Kerry has little chance. You would think that they would judge the man on his merits, but not when he's such a Big Pussy Democrat!


I wish I could vote for Ike Skelton in this election. I kept my voter registration in Springfield, which means I can only get to vote against Roy Blunt. But I'm tired of voting *against* people. I want to vote for somebody. I'm voting for John Kerry, but there aren't enough of me in rural Missouri. And when I think of when I was younger, when Democrats fought hard for rural values, for social justice, for a prouder, stronger America in the aftermath of Vietnam, when we kicked ass in rural Missouri, I think of Ike Skelton. I want to vote *for* not just Ike, but the idea of Ike. The only reason the Republicans haven't pussified Ike is because Ike has built decades of trust here. I don't just like Ike, I want to feel proud of throwing my money and energy behind what Ike Skelton represents. We Midwestern Democrats have to figure out how to convince our friends and neighbors to like Ike all over again.


-----shimes

 
More Blunt Truth
09.04.04 (3:25 am)   [edit]

People don't really know a lot about Roy Blunt, my Representative back home in Springfield.  He's one of the most powerful people in Washington, the House Majority Whip, as a matter of fact--putting him right behind Dennis Hastert, Tom Delay, and Dick Armey in the House hierarchy.  But Roy works mostly, as Donald Rumsfeld my say, in the shadows and dark alleys.  Here's an example of Roy at work:


http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A17271-200 4Aug19?language=printer" title="http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A17271-200 4Aug19?language=printer" target="_blank"http://www.washingtonpost.com... 


Basically, the Senate has slipped a rider into a corporate tax bill that would give the FDA regulatory authority over tobacco (that's good, according to many major public health groups).  But the House has removed that provision....AND would fund tobacco quota buyouts with tax payer, NOT industry dollars.  So, according to the House, it's good policy for the Food and *DRUG* Administration not to regulate a drug, and tax payers should have to pay subsidies to those who grow the drug.  Now, I'm not against tobacco farmer making on honest living, and neither is the Senate, who rightfully want those farmers to be paid for their losses, presumably so those lands can be converted to non-tobacco use or otherwise compensate them for their hardship.  But the House says that Tax Payers ought to save tobacco companies $10 billion on the deal. 


Hmph.  I wonder who might be behind the House version of that deal?  I don't know for sure, but I'll bet it's Republican House Whip Roy Blunt!  It turns out that this provision of the bill is endorsed by Altria Group, Inc., parent company of none other than Phillip Morris, which employs the new Mrs. Blunt (Roy "Southwest Missouri Values" Blunt recently divorced his wife and remarried a Big Tobacco lobbyist) and Andrew Blunt, one of his sons not running for Missouri governor and trying to use the Secretary of State's office to rig the election for Bush (which we've already covered this week in an earlier blog.)


FYI:


http://agpolicy.org/tobacco/2004/BuyoutCo mparisonJuly04-FINAL.pdf" title="http://agpolicy.org/tobacco/2004/BuyoutCo mparisonJuly04-FINAL.pdf" target="_blank"http://agpolicy.org/tobacco/2...


So, wanna help the guy who's threatening to unseat this tobacco pusher?  Click here to meet Southwest Missouri Democrat Jim Newberry.


http://www.newberryforcongress.com" title="http://www.newberryforcongress.com" target="_blank"http://www.newberryforcongres...


-----shimes

 
The Filmsnobs Consider Renouncing All Ties to the Kansas City Chiefs Organization
09.02.04 (12:12 am)   [edit]

Being a lifelong Chiefs fan, this is very hard for me to do.  I remember sitting through some dismal, cold grey Sundays in the 1980's, me and 30,000 other fans watching Bill Kenny wobble some wounded ducks downfield to Carlos Carson.  Now that the Chiefs have the second best stadium atmosphere and one of the better teams in the league, this is all the harder.  I take my Kansas City sports pretty seriously--as anyone who actually made it through my obnoxiously long (and ill-conceived and ill-fated) Royals preview can attest to.  But here goes:


I am considering an official denouncement of my support for the Kansas City Chiefs.  I stand on principle here.  Dick Vermeil and Carl Peterson engineered and administered a visit by George W. Bush to Chiefs training camp as a blatant pander to try to coerce the ravenous Chiefs Nation into supporting the President.  At training camp in Wisconsin, no less, which is another crucial swing state.  This is faux-macho Nascar dad bullshit.  I cannot support an organization which trades on its fan loyalty for support of this President.  There is nothing more important than defeating this President, and if my support of the Chiefs in turn supports the President (via its management and public faces' endorsement of him), then I am left with one option:

Fuck the Chiefs.

To be clear, Dick Vermeil also said that it was "unlikely" that he would not have given John Kerry or John Edwards equal time at Chiefs training camp, so there's no mutual exploitation.  Again:

Fuck the Chiefs.

This isn't about the Chiefs having or not having the right to support whomever they want for President, or using their positions for political purposes.  That's the great thing about America--they're free to voice their opinion.  And I'm free to tell Dick Vermeil and Carl Peterson that if they support the President, then they can kiss my Boulevard Beer drinking ass.


This is not an official Filmsnobs position yet.  James is still trying to talk me out of this.  He says that the Chiefs' support of the President is incidental to my support of the Chiefs.  Also, he wants one of my really kick-ass seats to the Raiders game, if I end up getting them.  This is a vexing dilemma. 


However, this is the most important election of our lifetime.  Nothing is more important than defeating President Bush, even--and I say this in the hope that it displays the import upon which I place this regard--getting rockin'ly shitfaced and smearing rib sauce on my face in the Arrowhead parking lot.  If my support of the Chiefs is tacit support of Vermeil and Peterson's support of the President, I cannot in good conscience wave the banner of the red and gold.

If the Chiefs support George W. Bush, then I do not support the Chiefs.


Someone please talk me out of this.  I can get playoff tickets.  The defense is going to be much better, and Priest Holmes might break the single-season touchdown record again.


-----shimes

p.s.  Please tell me that Andy Reid is voting Democrat in this election.  I don't want to have to do this again.