Every single political pundit today said the same thing everyone's been saying for the last six months:  The election is all going to come down to the debates.  Well no shit, Sherlocks.  If Kerry knocks it out of the park on Thursday, watch the polls turn.  If he doesn't, then, as Dandy Don might have sung to us on Monday Night Football, turn out the lights, the party's over. 

Now, I know that there's been some contention in the Kerry camp, and the Cahill/Shrum crowd is gving way to the Clinton folks.  That's a good start.  But all the Carville/Begala magic running through Clinton's clogged arteries won't pull Kerry out of this quagmire if he screws up Thursday night.

Unless, he does this:

Hold on, just hear me out.  Rappin' Kerry just might be the answer.  Think about it:  The beef with Kerry is that he's longwinded and unclear in his answers.  If he just starts rapping, no more Kerryisms.  And to the minorities who don't trust Kerry, well, he's not Clinton, but goddammit he's trying to identify with the Black Community, and that's a hell of a lot more than Gore can say.  Plus, this is the only way the winner of the VH-1 Bling-Off can credibly cast himself as populist--which Gore could never do. 

I mean, the more I think about this, the more I think it's the only way Kerry can pull this thing out.  Imagine it, Kerry just snaps, goes into Florida neighborhoods where black people were prevented from voting, like when Bulworth went to the South Central LA church.  "Senator Kerry, are you telling us that the Democratic Party doesn't care about whether black people get to vote or not?"  "Well, isn't it obvious?!  Only one senator had to sign that resolution, and you didn't see me jumping on board."

Kerry walks out from behind the podium:  "Damn that felt good," while Shrum and Cahill start snorting White-Out.  Kerry's buys The Straight Talk Express from John McCain.  Debate #2, Kerry shows up with flask:  "Republicans, Democrats...it's all a club, so...let's have a drink!"  Kerry steps across the stage to offer W. a swig, sees the smirk, and says, "Oh c'mon George, you've had more snow on your face than when I bit it last month snowboarding at Teresa's Aspen lodge."  And then Kerry offers W. the Skull and Bones handshake in clear view of the camera:  "C'mon George, give me some of that Yale love.  Nobody really buys this Marlboro Man bullshit anymore.  C'mon...or I'll start telling 'George was a cheeleader' stories."

And for the rest of the campaign, Kerry does nothing but rap about power and politics.  He goes the full Bulworth.  About Halliburton, Insurance Companies, Pharmecuetical Manufacturers, Race Exploitation, Tax Cuts for the Wealthy...the whole bit.  He wins the Democratic base back.  He wins the Nader vote.  Libertarian and Moderate Republicans.  All but the hardcore Christian vote goes to Kerry.  The polls show him down only in Alabama, Georgia, and Mississippi.  Kerry dumps Teresa for Halle Berry.  Kerry sw eeps the South. 

John F. Kerry?  I say Jay Billington Kerry.  If he screws up Thursday night, it's the only rational decision the campaign can make.

-----shimes